[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
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*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ