Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
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Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Tier 3 meme
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I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.