Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
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I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
my favorite genre of twitter
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.