@StanHels1ng

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

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@slimmy_shady

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

@Marcmywords2

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

@DionneMcNutt

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

@BGH70

Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.

@Maxine12333

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

@electrolemon

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

@NicCageMatch

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

@mrjohndarby

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

@xofreckles

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.