@slimmy_shady Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
@StanHels1ng If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
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@slimmy_shady 
@Marcmywords2 When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
@DionneMcNutt I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
@BGH70 Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
@Maxine12333 If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
@electrolemon “ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
@TheAndrewNadeau ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
@NicCageMatch Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
@mrjohndarby me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
@xofreckles Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.