If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

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Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.


When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.


I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.


Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.


“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch


ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.


Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.


me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?


Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.