Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
You Might Also Like
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
when mom throws a party…
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work