I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.