My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
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Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Good Morning.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book