Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
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the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
welp
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?