Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?