The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district