Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

britain’s three elite institutions

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar