It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[montage of me giving-up]