My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
You are what you delete.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.