A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
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[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Alexa, make me look good naked.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.