I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.