Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
You Might Also Like
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
This forever.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.