If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
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there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
True.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids