The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?