Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
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If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
brian had himself a morning…
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’m calling the cops.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers