I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.