If only.
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane