Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
You Might Also Like
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I want this so bad
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.