My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
scenes of unspeakable carnage
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now