Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!