I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
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Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
“I FIXED IT!”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex