My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

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hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.


Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”


Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.


Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits


A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.


My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…


Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”


Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.