Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

looks legit

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?