My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.