front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You Might Also Like
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???