Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?