Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.