A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
#CatsOnTwitter
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before