Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin