Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you