@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

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@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@DairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

@UnFitz

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

@English_Channel

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

@ch000ch

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

@SortaBad

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

@alldrolledup

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you