I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
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This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*