Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)