Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
WWE is French for “yes”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you