Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
the last thing a carrot sees
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it