If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
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If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN