”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Aaaa…CHOO!
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife