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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?