No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
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As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
White parent Vs Arab parents
me opening up to someone
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool