This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
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I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
That’s easy for you to say
Me trying to look natural in photos
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.