Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@AsgardianRose

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@a_simpl_man

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

@topaz_kell

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

@DanMentos

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

@ThePopTartJesus

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

@WilliamAder

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

@reallifemommy3

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

@jordanklepper

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk