This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

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North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.


Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.


“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor



May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“


“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“


*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards


First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.


I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one


I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk