Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You Might Also Like
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!