FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
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Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Saturday
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil