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I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.
She’ll find love in another man.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Me: Watcha got there?
Me: What kind?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]