Saturday
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ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I told my vodka about you.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.