Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%