I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
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*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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