I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.