I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Good morning, Twitter x
![]()
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform