When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
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Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
This is true.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting