I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
ready to be harvested
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*