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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Sharon I have some bad news
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.