dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.